Pipe Down: How to Survive Your Husband’s New Bagpipe Passion

My husband of thirty years has recently taken up the bagpipes, claiming it connects him to his ancestral roots. He practices in our small living room every evening right when I’m trying to unwind with my book. I love his enthusiasm, but my ears are ringing and the dog won't stop howling.

— Deafened by Decibels

Dear Deafened by Decibels,

Oh, my dear, I think I can hear the echo of those pipes all the way across Vermont! Thirty years of marriage is a beautiful milestone, but I am quite certain your wedding vows did not include a clause for high-decibel Celtic warfare in the parlor. It is wonderful that your husband is connecting with his ancestral roots, but we must remember those roots were meant for the wide-open Scottish Highlands, not a cozy living room with a startled wife and a howling hound.

The Magic of the Practice Chanter

Before you pack his bags—or his bagpipes—let’s talk about a wonderful tool called a “practice chanter.” Most seasoned pipers actually do the bulk of their learning on this nifty, flute-like device. It allows them to practice fingering and melody at a fraction of the volume. It sounds more like a gentle oboe than a jet engine. Suggesting he use a chanter indoors is a perfectly reasonable compromise that protects your eardrums and the dog’s sanity.

Finding the Right Stage

Next, we need to relocate the full-volume performances. The living room during your evening reading hour should be a sacred sanctuary of peace. Gently but firmly negotiate a new venue. Perhaps he can take the full pipes to the garage, a backyard shed, or even ask a local church or community center if they have an empty basement space he could use. Bagpipes are designed to carry for miles, and practicing outdoors (weather permitting) might even earn him some local fans!

Harmonizing Your Schedules

If he must practice at home, establish a strict “quiet hour” schedule. He gets forty-five minutes of piping right after dinner, and you get your quiet reading time immediately afterward. During his designated noise window, treat yourself to a pair of high-quality noise-canceling headphones, and perhaps take the dog for a nice, peaceful stroll. Love is all about harmony, dear, but sometimes that harmony requires a little bit of distance and a good pair of earplugs.

Warmly,

Aunt Clara